Treatment Cycle #1 – IUI
Our plan was to try two rounds of IUIs, and if we did not get pregnant, we would immediately proceed to IVF. An IUI or intrauterine insemination is when washed sperm is inserted through a catheter directly into my uterus. The success rates on IUIs are low, but they are a lower cost and less invasive option than IVF. In addition to the IUI, I would also be placed on clomid, an oral medication that makes the body think that your estrogen levels are lower than they are, which causes the pituitary gland to increase secretion of follicle stimulating hormone, or FSH, and luteinizing hormone, or LH. Higher levels of FSH stimulate the ovary to produce an egg follicle, or multiple follicles, that will develop and be released during ovulation.
Seventeen days after our diagnosis, I went into our clinic for my baseline ultrasound. On the same day, December 21, 2018, I started the clomid. When you are prescribed clomid, you are told it may cause some “emotional effects”, but that is it. Four days into clomid, which also happened to be Christmas Eve, I started to feel those “emotional effects”. Deemed the clomid crazies, nothing prepares you for how the medication will affect you. I was still processing our diagnosis when during this first cycle. I was depressed, embarrassed and ashamed, and the clomid not only amplified all of those feelings, it also just made me an all-around crazy person. I fought with everyone that first day, and since we were not properly warned of the effects, I had not explanation for why I was suddenly angry or crying over every little thing. It wasn’t until I googled other women’s stories of being clomid that I understood what was happening to me.
Ryan has been my biggest source of support throughout our journey, but even he could not understand. Two days after Christmas we were in Williams Sonoma, and he finally understood. I was trying to exchange a Le Crueset Christmas gift, and the really nice employee who was helping us was trying to explain they did not have the color I wanted. I started crying and was lashing out at the employee. I had sudden moment of clarity, and as I was bawling, I apologized to the employee, I told him it was medication I was on, not him, and I asked Ryan to finish the transaction. After that incident, I avoided the public for the rest of my cycle.
While I had awful effects from the clomid, my body actually responded really well. I had three follicles that were in the size range: 16.6, 16.0, and 15.2 . We scheduled our first IUI for New Years Eve which meant we were ready for our trigger shot. After watching the video several times (you get a pre-filled syringe in the mail with no other instructions besides a video), Ryan gave me the first of many shots.
The IUI itself is pretty uneventful, but I thought it was really painful. After the IUI, you are able to go about your day, or you can rest. I decided to rest, so I cuddled on the couch with my furbabies. Ryan and I got married on January 1, 2018, but we celebrated our anniversary that night. I will say that the dinner was a really great distraction.
Ryan and I after our IUI waiting for 10 minutes with my hips elevated. 
Ryan and I before we left for our anniversary dinner at Sepia the night of our first IUI.
After the IUI, you have to wait fourteen days, then you go in for a blood test to see if you are pregnant. Out of all of our cycles, I found this two-week wait to be the easiest, and I think it was because we did not think the IUI would work. The success rates are so low, and it was our first cycle, so I pretty much went back to normal life. Two days before our scheduled blood test, I started to feel different. My boobs hurt, and I had this weird pain in my lower abdomen when I moved in certain directions. I had a few pregnancy tests at home, so I took one. I was shocked when it came back positive. I was so shocked that I didn’t even tell Ryan. The next day, Ryan and I were heading to Springfield for the inauguration of the Illinois Constitutional officers. Before we got to our house in Springfield, I had him stop at Walgreens so I could pick up a few things, including a better pregnancy test. As soon as I got to our house, I took the test. Again, it was positive. After this test, I told Ryan the results. We were in total shock.
The next day, we woke up at 6 am for our blood test, and even though we had taken a pregnancy test, we were still nervous for the call from our clinic. On the phone, the nurse excitedly told us we were pregnant! My mom was with us because she was going to the Governor’s Ball with us, and it was really fun to be able to share that day with her. We were all so excited!
Ryan and I at AG Raoul’s inauguration party the night before our blood test. 
Ryan and I after we found out we were pregnant on our way to the Governor’s Ball. 
My mom came with us to the Ball, and all three of us were so excited.
What we did not know that the time was that just because you get a positive test, it does not mean everything is ok. When you go through fertility treatments, you are heavily monitored. I had to have another blood test two days later to make sure my HCG levels were doubling, and I was not prepared to hear they were not. Since they were not doubling, I had to go back two days later for a third blood test. This test did show the levels were doubling, so we felt more at ease.
As soon as I found I was pregnant, I immediately bonded with the little life inside me. I just had a feeling the baby was going to be a girl, and since she was the size of a poppy seed when we found out, I named her Poppy. I talked to Poppy every single day, and I became very attached very quickly.
As I said before, fertility patients are heavily monitored which meant the week following the blood tests, I started to have ultrasounds. The first ultrasound confirmed the gestational sac was in my uterus which was great news. The next ultrasound showed a yolk sac that was forming, but there was no sign of the fetal pole. I was told not to worry, but that I would need to come back for another ultrasound. At my next ultrasound, there was still no fetal pole, and I was going to have to come back for yet another ultrasound. The four days in between my last two ultrasounds went painfully slow, and I just had a feeling something wasn’t right. At my last ultrasound, there still wasn’t a fetal pole, but instead of being told this in the ultrasound, we were told we needed to wait to meet with the doctor. I immediately knew what this meant, and I was devastated. By the time the doctor told us our pregnancy was not viable, I was hysterically crying. Our fertility journey was not over and having had a glimmer of hope for a few weeks, having a baby seemed farther away than it ever had.
